


"You didn't know me when I was 13" "I really wish I did"

by hettienne



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-01
Updated: 2019-10-01
Packaged: 2020-11-09 05:33:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20848340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hettienne/pseuds/hettienne
Summary: Richie was not often at a loss for words, but it also wasn’t often that his entire life felt like it was crumbling around him.





	"You didn't know me when I was 13" "I really wish I did"

**Author's Note:**

> forgetting your mutual childhood is something that can actually be so personal,
> 
> mostly canon-compliant except for the obvious big things. also eddie lives because im not a homophobe. i'll try and upload regularly but it depends on how swamped i am with Real Life. also this chapter isn't mature necessarily but it will be in future
> 
> follow me on [twitter](https://www.twitter.com/soulbonded) for updates and general clownery!
> 
> here's a [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2GHAlOilO2NQsQVf8TVU2z?si=s6o56ug-RCSfdHLxANMHBQ) i made if you want an insight into my head
> 
> special thanks to clown chat for encouraging me to write fic, my twitter mutuals for supporting my clownery (especially kylie for suggesting i don't just write this chronologically as well as help proofreading), and my mom for when she suggested i read stephen king at the tender age of 9 years old which damned me for life

_ Richard Tozier Loses His Voice _

Richie was not often at a loss for words, but it also wasn’t often that his entire life felt like it was crumbling around him.

Richie was lying in bed reading with his husband fast asleep beside him when his cell phone rang. His cell phone never rang, especially not this late at night. His husband stirred in his sleep at the sound and Richie placed a hand on his back. Normally he’d just let it go to voicemail. He was a firm believer that if it was important, they’d leave a voicemail or call back again. He felt compelled to answer this specific phone call, even though it was from an unknown number, something that normally panicked him. He felt the same sort of panic when he saw it was from Maine, but it felt different.

“Hello?” Richie’s voice trembled slightly as he answered.

“Richie?”

“Speaking. Who is this?”

“It’s Mike. Mike Hanlon.” _ Who? _ “From Derry.”

That last word made Richie’s stomach jump into his throat. His ribcage suddenly felt too tight, like it was holding his heart in a vice. He hadn’t heard the word Derry in years. He hadn’t _ thought _ about Derry in years. Before hearing Mike say it, he wasn’t sure he even knew Derry existed.

“Right. Hey, Mike. How’s things?” Richie replied, hoping his fear didn’t show in his voice.

“It’s back.”

“Wh-what’s back?” Richie asked, even though he knew, somewhere, deep in the pit of his stomach. The thing from Derry - _ It _. His mind had spent almost 30 years forgetting...or maybe something else had made him forget. Richie had enjoyed the last 30 years.

Mike seemed to sense that Richie knew. “We made a promise.” At this, Richie’s hands started to burn white-hot, making him almost drop his phone. He looked at his right hand where there was a small white scar that he was certain wasn’t there before.

“A promise. Yeah. Right. I mean, I don’t know, man, I was like...11, dude.” Richie’s voice was shaking.

“Will you come?” Mike’s voice was matter-of-fact. Richie sensed he wasn’t the first person Mike called.

“I-yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I’ll come.” Richie hung up. _ Derry _ . He didn’t know how he could’ve forgotten such a formative part of his childhood. It seemed unreal to him that he couldn’t remember most of his childhood and never questioned it. The memories were slowly starting to resurface - Bill Denbrough ( _ wasn’t he that author? _), Henry Bowers, the Barrens, Eddie-

_ No. No that can’t be. That...It’s not possible. _

Richie’s husband’s phone started to ring.

_Eddie Kaspbrak Has A Panic Attack _

Eddie slowly gained consciousness, woken up by the sound of his phone ringing next to his ear. _ What time is it, who the hell would be calling me at this time of night? _ He blearily answered without checking the caller ID.

“Eddie Kaspbrak speaking.”

“Hey, Eddie. It’s Mike.”

“Mike?” Eddie felt the bed shake as Richie jumped out of it.

“Mike Hanlon. From Derry.” Eddie heard vomiting noises coming from the bathroom.

“Oh, um. Hey, Mike. Haven’t heard from you in a while. How’s...the family?” Eddie’s hands were shaking. He hadn’t thought of Mike Hanlon or Derry in almost 30 years but he knew what Mike was about to say.

“It’s back. I need you to come back. _ Derry _ needs you to come back.”

“I-I-I. Okay. Yeah, Mike. I’ll come. I need to do some things first.”

“You need to come now. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll, uh, try my best. First plane out of here.” The line went dead. Eddie stared at his phone for a moment. Fear flowed through his body. He knew when he made that promise that he’d have to go through with it eventually. Adult Eddie Kaspbrak never even knew there was a promise. He got up and pulled out a suitcase from under his bed. He started throwing clothes into it without really seeing what he was doing. His breath hitched and he felt his chest start to close. _ Asthma. Goddamn asthma. _ He looked around for his inhaler before remembering he’d left it in the bathroom earlier that day.

“Richie? Hey, Rich, you all right in there? Can I come in?” Richie didn’t answer but the bathroom door was unlocked. Richie was hunched over the toilet. Eddie had never seen anyone look that pale. 

“Stomach bug? I think I have some Pepto Bismol here somewhere. I told you you shouldn’t have eaten that huge burrito right before bed but I guess I can never get in the way of you and Mexican food. Hey, listen, I gotta go away for a while. I would never do this if I didn’t have to but I made a promise when I was like, a little kid, and I just have to-” Eddie was rambling while rummaging through the bathroom cabinet and taking out any medications he might need in Derry. This turned out to be all of them. He closed the medicine cabinet and looked at Richie, who was staring at him like he was a stranger.

“Mike?” Richie said solemnly.

“Yeah, Mike Hanlon. He was a kid I used to hang out with. I forgot about him and everyone else, it’s been so long. It’s been like 30 years. There was Bill Denbrough...Ben Hanscom...R...Ri…” The color fell from Eddie’s face as he stumbled backwards, away from Richie, holding onto the bathroom sink for support.

“R...Rich...I...I’m...But you’re...And I’m…”

“Eds-”

“I MARRIED TRASHMOUTH?!?!?”

* * *

If you’d asked Richie last week whether he believed in love at first sight, he’d have laughed. Even now, he probably still would’ve laughed. He knew this was the first time he’d seen this boy but somehow he felt deeply connected to him - like he’d known him for forever. He knew this was ridiculous and something only said in cheesy romcoms he cried to alone in his dorm when his roommate was out, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that he _ knew _ Eddie. He felt deeply connected to him in a way Richie had never felt before and he hated himself for it. _ You’ve been at college for what? Three weeks? You absolutely cannot fall in love yet _, he thought to himself, furiously staring at his blank notebook and refusing to glance to the left of the lecture hall where Eddie Kaspbrak sat, studiously taking notes.

Richie had first noticed Eddie in his second English lecture. He was sat a few rows behind Eddie, but at an angle that he could see his face. He wasn’t sure the boy saw him at all during that lecture, but Richie had made sure he heard him. Any opportunity Richie had to run his mouth and (hopefully) sound intelligent, he would take it. He felt such a deep-seated need to impress this boy he only noticed 20 minutes ago and unfortunately for Richie, the only way he knew how was to run his mouth. After class, Richie - not entirely sure that he took in any of what the lecturer was actually saying - furiously scanned the crowd of people hurriedly leaving the lecture hall for a glimpse of the dark-haired boy he’d spent the last hour ogling. Standing at only 5’7”, this proved to be a difficult task that even standing on tiptoes couldn’t solve. Richie resigned himself to heading home to hide under his covers in shame.

Richie spent the following week trying to forget about his weird, childish, bizarre feelings. He was not inexperienced with men. He’d only been at college for three weeks at this point but his loud mouth had a way of landing him in other people’s beds (and kicking him out of them). He never found himself feeling this particular way with those men, though. Richie was good at not catching feelings, or at least that’s what he’d told himself for years. And it was true. Sex was purely physical for him and he was always the first to ghost if someone tried to “get to know him better” in the following days. He’d even slept with guys who reminded him a lot of that boy in his English class - in fact, most of them probably did. Richie had a type - dark hair, dark eyes, shorter than him (if possible) - and he didn’t tend to stray far from it. What made this guy so special? Richie found _ himself _ wanting to get to know him and the thought made him shudder.

Unfortunately, his Tuesday lecture rolled around again and, most likely out of some determination to prove to himself he wasn’t being ridiculous, Richie decided to turn up to class. He showed up late, hoping he could sit near the mystery boy without arousing suspicion. There was an empty seat directly next to him but even Richie couldn’t bring himself to sit there. The row behind him, however, was mostly empty except for the end seat.

“Excuse me! Sorry! Gotta get to my favorite seat! It has the best acoustics!” Richie whisper-yelled to the blonde girl at the end of the row as he pushed past her. She stared daggers at him as she turned her legs to the side.

“Mr. Tozier, we are aware of your presence I assure you. You can pipe down now,” the lecturer at the front of the lecture hall said, incredibly unamused. Richie flashed a smile at her as he took his seat. As he took out his laptop to pretend to take notes, he saw a piece of paper passed up to the row in front of him. His stomach flipped. _ A paper attendance register, _Richie thought. And the way it was going, a certain somebody would be the one handing it back to him. Richie opened his laptop lid, never taking his eyes off of that piece of paper. He watched the boy in front of him neatly write his name and turn to pass it back to him.

Richie had seen the boy in front of him before, obviously, but only from the awkward angles provided by the lecture hall. Richie wasn’t prepared to see him face-to-face today and especially wasn’t prepared to make lingering eye contact. Or at least, to Richie, what felt like lingering. Maybe only because he felt like he was experiencing the whole three-second interaction in slow motion. The dark-haired boy turned and passed the piece of paper to Richie. Richie reached over his laptop to grab it, purposefully grabbing it at a point too close to the other boy’s hand so they’d touch. Unfortunately, Richie misjudged in his haste and grabbed the paper just too far away to make that contact. Before Richie could stop himself, and just before the boy - who he’d soon know as Eddie - turned back around-

“Thank you very much, my good sir!” Richie said too loudly in a British...adjacent accent. He stuck his hand out to shake Eddie’s hand and actually lightly brushed it this time. Eddie pulled his hands firmly to his lap and hissed “Shut up!” at Richie. Emboldened by actually receiving a response rather than being ignored, Richie pushed ahead with his bit, forgetting his surroundings for a minute.

“Oh, I’m so sorry, sir! I just wanted to thank the man himself for a job well done, you see! Please forgive me!” Richie continued, quietly by Richie’s standards, not noticing the looks he was gaining from everyone in the surrounding seats.

“Mr. Tozier and Mr. Kaspbrak, will I need to ask you two to leave or are you going to behave yourselves? I do not have time for this high school nonsense.” Richie heard from the front of the lecture hall. Eddie went silent and beet-red while Richie yelled “Sorry miss!” After she’d turned back around and was busy opening up a link on her PowerPoint, Eddie turned slightly to Richie and whispered furiously, _ “I swear to God if you ever embarrass me like that again you will not be leaving this classroom in one piece.” _

Richie fanned himself exaggeratedly and whispered back _ “Whew, sir, don’t threaten me with a good time.” _

Eddie glared at him before turning back around and staring at his lap. Richie watched him ball his hands into fists at his sides before relaxing and picking his pen back up. Richie suddenly remembered what had actually started this entire exchange and rummaged in his bag for a pen. To both his annoyance and glee, he realized that he did not have a pen in his bag. If Richie had taken a few more seconds to think as well as look, he would’ve found a pen in his bag’s other pocket. Even if Richie had had a pen on his desk though, he probably still would’ve tapped Eddie on the shoulder to ask to borrow one.

“So sorry to bother you again, you look terribly busy since the last time we had the pleasure of speaking. Would you happen to have a writing instrument I could borrow?” Richie batted his eyelashes as Eddie passed him his pen and said, “Bring your own fucking pen.” Richie took the lid off as Eddie turned back around to whisper “And you _ better _ fucking give it back to me.”

“Why, of course, sweetie” Richie replied, which received a deadly look from Eddie and a “Do _ not _ call me sweetie.” Richie wrote his name in exaggerated cursive on the attendance register, making note of the name that was written above his in perfect handwriting: 

_ Eddie Kaspbrak _.

Richie had heard his last name earlier but having his full name felt...different somehow. Familiar, but not quite. Reading it made his stomach flip. He passed the attendance register to the girl at the end of his row and he noticed his hands trembling slightly. He felt very strange and he couldn’t place why. He expected to feel some sort of way upon learning the name of the boy he couldn’t stop thinking about, but he didn’t think he’d feel this way - a mix of butterflies as well as a sense of doom, almost. Richie was snapped out of it by the boy in question turning around to face him.

“Are you done? I would like to actually take notes this lecture,” Eddie whispered impatiently. Richie didn’t even bother to make a snarky comment as he passed Eddie’s pen back to him, mumbling “sorry” as he did. Eddie’s face turned from annoyance to a mix of confusion and...disappointment? Richie couldn’t place the exact emotion but it made his stomach churn uncomfortably. Before he knew what he was doing, he pushed his laptop back into his open bag, quickly stood up, and practically leapt over the poor girl at the end of the row. The lecturer paid no mind but Richie swore he could feel Eddie’s eyes on his back. He practically fell into the lecture hall’s doors and before he could even think _ “I’m going to throw up” _ he did just that. Luckily for the rest of the student body, he managed to not vomit directly in front of the lecture hall doors. However, it was close enough that if anyone turned to their immediate left as they left the lecture hall, they would receive a nasty surprise.

Richie didn’t see anybody else around - not that he was even aware of his surroundings - as he ran down the hallway towards the building’s exit. He made it outside and the cool Maine autumn air calmed him slightly. He desperately wanted to go back to his dorm to lie down and stare at the ceiling until the world stopped spinning but he wasn’t sure if his legs would carry him there yet. He also desperately did not want to face his roommate, who would definitely ask him why he looked so pale and why he wasn’t talking his ear off for once. He made his way to an area of grass and sat underneath a tree with his back against the rough trunk. He closed his eyes and attempted to calm himself.

He knew he was attracted to this Eddie kid but did he really have it that bad? Was learning just his name enough to make him vomit? Richie had never had a crush on anyone before - that he could remember, at least - but even from listening to his friends talk about girls he was certain the feelings he was experiencing weren’t that. Maybe they were linked, but this couldn’t just be romantic feelings; it felt bigger than that. His mind flashed back to the first time he noticed Eddie in the lecture hall - to that feeling that he somehow _ knew _ the kid. He now knew that was impossible since he was _ certain _ he’d never heard the name Eddie Kaspbrak before in his life. Or at least as certain as he could be. Every time he thought of that boy’s name it felt like he was hitting an interior wall in his own head, like he had heard it before but just couldn’t place it. It didn’t even feel like it was on the tip of his tongue. It was like his mind just halted thought processes after thinking his name.

Suddenly, as if a fog had lifted, Richie remembered that he lived in the 21st century. He scrambled to take his laptop back out of his bag and opened it on his lap. On his screen was a blank Word document from 20 minutes ago when he was still fully planning on sitting through his timetabled lecture and definitely not planning to leave 5 minutes after arriving and vomiting outside the door. He closed it and opened his web browser, navigating to Facebook. He carefully typed “Eddie Kaspbrak” into the search bar, each letter he typed feeling like he was inching closer towards the start of something. Sure enough, the first result was the boy from his English lecture. Richie’s breath hitched as he saw the _ 1 mutual friend _ underneath his name. He breathed a sigh of relief when he saw who it was.

Ted Brown.

He was nobody of particular note to Richie, just one of the annoying dark-haired twinks he’d slept with last week. At least he thought so. He didn’t remember the names of every annoying dark-haired twink he’d slept with since coming to college. But Ted looked familiar and they’re friends on Facebook apparently. He clicked on Eddie’s name and again felt a sensation almost like puzzle pieces slotting into place. Eddie’s Facebook page slowly loaded onto Richie’s laptop screen.

His profile picture was terrible.

Richie smiled softly at this thought. Somehow that just made sense for Eddie. Richie didn’t know him at all but Eddie not knowing how to take flattering photos of himself made the most sense in the world. It’s taken from a weird angle and is slightly blurry. It was probably cropped from a group photo. Eddie’s cover photo supported this theory, as it was in fact the group photo his profile picture was cropped from. Richie’s body flooded with a fondness for Eddie, a feeling that was not unwelcome. He could deal with these soft feelings. Those feelings didn’t make him want to _ actually _ vomit. Richie continued to explore Eddie’s Facebook page but, unsurprisingly, his privacy settings were fairly high. Richie could only view his previous profile pictures - all worse than his current - but those weren’t even what he was particularly interested in. He clicked on the About tab on Eddie’s profile and clicked on Places He’s Lived.

Current City: Portland, Maine (since 2005)

This made sense to Richie. He didn’t quite know how he knew it from interacting with Eddie for about two minutes total, but Eddie seemed like the kind of person who wouldn’t go far for college. He probably wanted to in high school, and probably told anyone who would listen about how far he was going to go for college, but either the out of state colleges didn’t accept him or he got too scared to leave what was familiar to him. This also told Richie something else: They didn’t have the same hometown. Richie was from Bangor. He used to live in a small town near Bangor and then moved 20 minutes away to Bangor itself when he was 13. It was a long shot, but if Eddie was from Bangor too maybe Richie could explain to himself why he had felt so familiar.

That horrible feeling from earlier had mostly subsided. Maybe he was just hungover and the butterflies just compounded his nausea. That was what he’d tell himself. _ While I’m here _ , Richie thought as he clicked on Family and Relationships. Nothing to show. _ Damn it. Contact and Basic Info? _ Nothing to show for Interested In, either. _ I guess it was worth a shot _ , Richie thought, more disappointed than he expected to be. After Richie had exhausted the minimal amount of information available on Eddie’s Facebook page (he considered sending Eddie a friend request for a brief moment, but refrained), he closed the tab and closed his laptop lid - only to see Eddie Kaspbrak himself walking directly towards him. Richie made brief eye contact and then firmly focused himself on packing his laptop back into his bag. _ He can’t possibly be coming over to me, he’s probably just walking past me _, Richie thought as he heard a throat clear above him.

“You know, I distinctly remember giving you your pen back,” Richie said.

“Dude are you all right? Did my pen poison you or something, what happened back there?” Eddie said, ignoring Richie’s comment.

“I just didn’t feel well, alright, why do you care?” Richie gasped loudly. “You don’t..._ care _ about me, do you? Aw, that is just so _ darling _!”

“Ok, yeah, forget it, I don’t even know why I came over here. Oh yeah, maybe it was to tell you that I had a great time in that lecture after you left because I could actually fucking hear things, since I didn’t have to listen to you run your mouth the entire goddamn time!” Eddie said, punctuating his words with his hands for maximum effect.

“Well, I’m certainly flattered you think about me so much, Eddie, but I-”

“How do you know my name?!?”

“Your name was written before mine on the attendance register, you dumbass, how else would I know it?”

“How am I supposed to know what you do in your free time?”

“Well it’s certainly not obsessing over someone as shrill and annoying as you”

“You don’t even fucking know me, how dare you-”

“Then why don’t you show me you’re not always this shrill and annoying, huh?” Richie said it before he can even think. Thankfully, he barely had time to regret it before Eddie quipped back.

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

“Well, I only think it’s fair that since you poisoned me with your pen and made me miss out on a valuable hour of learning experience at this institution I pay good money to attend, that you compensate me with a coffee and fill me in on what I missed.” Richie’s heart felt like it was going to beat out of his chest.

“I don’t even know your name but I know I’d rather die than hear your voice any longer than I absolutely have to.”

Richie jumped to his feet and bowed before sticking his hand out to Eddie for the second time that day. “Richie Tozier, at your service! It’s an absolute pleasure to meet you!” Eddie went to shake his hand instinctively and immediately dropped it, but not before Richie grasped it and shook it wildly up and down.

“You’re going to pull my arm out of its socket you fucking weirdo!” Eddie yelled, trying desperately to release his hand from Richie’s grasp. Richie released his hand and grinned at him.

“So, now that we’re the best of friends, where are you taking me for coffee?”

“Absolutely not.”

Richie looked sadly at Eddie, puffing his lower lip out and putting on the best sad puppy eyes he can muster. “Oh, pwease mwister? Pwetty pwease? I’ll never ask for ANYTHING again, I _ promise _!”

“You look pathetic,” Eddie said, fondness tinging the edge of his voice, though Eddie did not smile even slightly.

“I’ll take that as a yes!” Richie said as he picked up his bag and linked his arm with Eddie’s. “Where to, captain?”

“Okay for one, I did not say yes and two, don’t fucking touch me. I don’t know where you’ve been. If you stop being so fucking obnoxious and stop fucking touching me I will buy you one coffee and you will leave me the fuck alone.”

“Hey, listen, I’m not the one who approached you when you were sat all alone under a tree. Lead the way!”

Eddie led the way to the nearest Starbucks. Richie’s stomach did backflips the entire walk. _ I can’t believe that actually worked. Is this is a date? Does he think this is a date? Does he actually want me to leave him alone so badly that he took me up on this offer? Does he genuinely think I’m obnoxious? Oh god, what if he actually wants me to leave him alone after this? Are we going to sit and talk or is he going to buy me a coffee and fuck off? Oh god, what am I doing, I’m- _

“Well if offering to buy you a coffee was all it took to make you be quiet I would’ve done this three weeks ago,” Eddie said, smugly.

“Aww, is someone missing my dulcet tones? I can certainly provide them again, sweetie,” Richie replied, even more smugly.

“...Forget I said anything.”

“Oh no, the damage is done, my good sir! Richie Tozier has never met a silence he wouldn’t fill!”

“Look, we’re here, shut up again before you embarrass me, I happen to like doing work in this place.”

They entered the Starbucks and the barista said: “Hey, Eddie!” Richie found this incredibly endearing. Of _ course _ Eddie would already be a regular at the campus coffee shop. Eddie ordered a filter coffee, black, and Richie ordered a mint hot chocolate. Richie offered to pay the difference and Eddie looked like he considered it for a moment before waving the offer. Richie considered making a dumb comment about how sweet it was but _ was _ genuinely touched and decided to keep his mouth shut, an occurrence that was rare for Richie. They waited for their drinks at the end of the counter.

“So...where are you from?” Richie awkwardly said.

“...Are you making small talk with me?” Eddie replied.

“Well, what else do you want to talk about? When was the first time you really came to terms with death, Eds?” Richie said it without thinking but that silly nickname sent a shiver up his spine. An overwhelming sense of déjà vu washed over him. He thought he felt something pass between Eddie and himself - like a tug on a piece of string. He looked at Eddie and knew, somehow, he’d felt it too.

“Don’t...don’t call me Eds,” Eddie said slowly as if the words weren’t coming from his own head and he was pulling them from elsewhere. “Sorry, I just had...the weirdest sense of déjà vu.” Eddie laughed halfheartedly. As if on cue, the barista called out their names and they grabbed their drinks. Richie realized that the barista hadn’t asked whether they wanted their drinks to-go or not and defaulted to to-go cups. Richie felt a sense of disappointment before Eddie went to sit down at a table. Richie followed, relieved that he wouldn’t have to make up another excuse to spend more time with Eddie.

“I thought you’d rather die than hear my voice any longer than you had to. If I didn’t know better, I’d think you were taking me on my first date!” Richie clasped his hands together against his chest and fluttered his eyelashes at Eddie.

“Would this actually be your first date - wait. No. Nevermind. I don’t care. This isn’t a date! Stop calling it that! I-You said you wanted to know what you missed in that lecture before you ran out, right? Yeah?” Eddie was flustered and Richie revelled in it.

Richie sighed exaggeratedly and dropped his hands. “You don’t have much romance in your soul, do you?”

“Damn right I don’t.”


End file.
